it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
