I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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