That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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