***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
