11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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