Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you had me at cake vodka
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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