i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
