Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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