I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
