oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
