Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
