hell yes lets make some ravioli
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
