Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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