totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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