I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
