Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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