i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
