This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I want a musical about memes.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
