you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
