I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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