I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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