You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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