Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
