She's JV to your varsity
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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