Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
