haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
