Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Be still, my beating vagina.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
