Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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