My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
