Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
