hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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