I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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