How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
