I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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