i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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