Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
