mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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