About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
