Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
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I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
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Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize