put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
