"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
