Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
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I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
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I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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