I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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