I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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