I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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