textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
