do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
