Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
