Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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