Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
