I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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