you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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