Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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