You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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