Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
