I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
