Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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